It is ridiculous that some days even the slightest, easiest task seems to ruin me.

Why is it so hard to cope sometimes?

I've lost my own reflection

Today, daddy, I miss you.  I'm in the process of trying to write you a letter to explain this to you, because something makes me think that in writing it down, in putting it into words, it will help.
But in the mean time, I have found this song again... and the words help.  A lot of it is relevant to how I'm feeling and things I am doing to myself at the moment.

Idina Menzel - Brave

Don't know just where I'm going
And tomorrow, it's a little overwhelming
And the air is cold
And I'm not the same anymore
I've been running in your direction
For to long now
I've lost my own reflection
And I can't look down
If you're not there to catch me when I fall.

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

All along all I ever wanted, was to be the light
When your life was daunting
But I can't see mine
When I feel as though you're pushing me away
Well who's to blame, are we making the right choices
Cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices
As we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

And I might still cry
And I might still bleed
These thorns in my side
This heart on my sleeve
And lightening may strike
This ground at my feet
And I might still crash
But I still believe

This is the moment I stand here all alone
With everything I have inside, everything I own
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last time before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

Bumble bee nails

Because when you feel sad, the only thing to do is turn your nails into insects...!

Ofsted fun and games

So on Monday, school H (where I worked last year) got the Ofsted phonecall. They were in special measures 5 years ago, federated 5 years ago at Easter and were satisfactory 3 years ago in December. I know how hard we all worked last year, but obviously with the tough new framework, we were worried. My good friend and immediate line manager, AP, came in to me on Monday afternoon (in my current school C) and told me without telling me that Ofsted were imminent and she was going to teach a class whose teacher was signed off. Two minutes later, I got a message telling me to phone AH, our head, immediately. I knew straight away that I was going to teach there.
The class teacher of the class I taught last year had been off sick and was due back the next day, but they wanted me to teach my old class.
I had a hell of a year last year with that class. They are a challenging class - you have to work hard to get them on side and then when you have them, you have to work hard to keep them. They are a lovely class, don't get me wrong, they were all amazing to me when my dad passed away, but there are a lot of characters. I had a tough year for so many reasons, but I left school H (where I worked for one year) to return to school C (where I had worked for 2 years previously) gladly. I felt there were a lot of people who felt I could not teach there, a lot of people who did not rate me, and a lot of my bad feelings were tied up with that school. So whilst I would of course go and teach, I was petrified. It is so hard to remember what a good teacher you are when you are thrown into that mess.
On Monday night, AH came in and literally had to keep me upright because I was in such a state.
But we got through it. When were last seen by Ofsted at school C, they made a big deal of coming into every class to observe every teacher, and then didn't come to me. At the time, that really upset me because I wanted to prove myself as a teacher.
Prove myself as a teacher, I finally have. I was observed twice by inspectors - in my Numeracy lesson, I was given a good, and in my Literacy lesson the following day, I was given a very, very, very strong good (by an inspector who has only ever given one outstanding). I was completely, and still am, chuffed. To go in to a school you haven't worked in for a term, to teach a class you haven't taught for a term, with so little notice and to do as well as I did... well I'm just so happy. I feel that I have proved to everyone at that school what a fantastic teacher I am. I feel that I have tied up a lot of loose ends in my head that were left from my year there and I kind of feel that I can completely move on from last year now.
It has also pulled me closer to the lovely AP and to AJ, another teacher from our school who went over to cover a teacher on jury duty.
What a week. But it has done so much for me, boosted my confidence and reminded me why I came into do this job.

Weekend of culture

This weekend, my mum and I saw Matilda in the West End and then Les Mis at the cinema.

Matilda

 

Mum and dad were given theatre vouchers for their thirtieth wedding anniversary but never got to use them as my dad fell ill shortly after. Mum has said that I can now use the vouchers with her and the first thing went to see was Matilda, based on the Roald Dahl book. I love both the book and the film but was not worried at all about the show-except that in my role as a teacher, I often find children on stage irritating.
This was not the case at all. Every single cast member was incredible, the girl playing Matilda and the boy playing Bruce were excellent and the whole show was enjoyable.  The songs did not necessarily stick in your head but they were good and I really liked them all.
What I particularly loved, though, was the set.  The Cambridge Theatre is often host to shows with simple sets and the Matilda set is a little more advanced, but still quite simple.  What I loved though was the decoration to the set - all made of letters, which spelt words.  Had much fun trying to spot the words!

Les Miserables

I absolutely adore the music and story of Les Mis, have done for such a long time and have seen the show on Broadway and in the West End. I was slightly apprehensive of seeing the film though because, alongside a devastating storyline, it was very much a mum, dad and I thing and we would be seeing it without dad.
I thought of him a lot during it and I cried for most of it, but oh my gosh the film was just incredible. The singing live instead of singing to a track made such a difference and the whole thing just worked. It wasn't a show, it wasn't a musical film, it was an epic and I loved it. Even Anne Hathaway was fantastic-and I have only ever loved one Fantine live, the wonderful Haviland Stillwell. Loved playing spot the West Ender and loved the film. Our cinema gave the family a round of applause at the end, dedervedly, and almost everyone was in tears. Amazing film.

Nails

Just did my nails using my uv lamp, still need to work at keeping them neat when they are going to be uv-ed but love the colour... Although it is a lot more blue in real life!!

Exciting times

This morning, my boss and I spoke entirely in code for approximately 15 minutes in a room full of people and nobody knew what we were talking about. Result! (Although does this mean we spend too much time together?!)
The outcome is a probable change in my TLR and subject leader role which is very exciting!!

Hello

Hello and welcome to my blog! 
I have set this up to put up things that take my fancy - pictures, reviews, rants, anything else!  I doubt it is going to be overly exciting, but we'll give it a go!

I have set myself a couple of New Year's resolutions this year, but haven't really made a big deal out of them, as I feel the bigger the deal made, the more likely I am to fail!  But my resolutions are:-

1. To lose at least a stone, and keep it off, in a healthy way.  For this reason, I have joined Slimming World.
2. To take better care of my outside - use heat protection spray on my hair, moisturise myself to the death, paint my nails more often!
3. Keep the flat and myself more organised.  I am ridiculously anal, but I am going to start putting clothes out for work the night before, plan my meals for the week (which will help point 1!) & constantly be on top of the washing up.
4. Smile and be grateful for something every day.  Last year was seriously difficult, I went through a lot with my family, and this year I want it to be good and happy.

Not massive ones, but just little things that I hope will help me get myself back to the way my head used to be!