So after a few months of not feeling myself, of being fed up, of not knowing why I feel the way I do and of not knowing how to fix it, last week I finally talked to my head and deputy. T, the deputy, has fast become one of my closest friends (although I shall come back to this), and my head is someone that I've mentioned before in here - I trust him to the end of the Earth and back. So I talked to them. I was petrified. I tried to put it off. But I did it. It was only when I started to try and explain that I realised I was even further in than I thought - I had no idea where to start, I couldn't even cry, I just... failed to explain. I then panicked that they would think I was looking for attention, because it just seemed so ridiculous.
But they were lovely. They have such confidence in me that I just don't have in any way, shape or form. They believe in me and they think I can do it. It's crazy, I can't understand, but to know I have that is wonderful.
So the follow up meeting was this week... T gave me a list of all the things at work I do well. A said that if his son came to the school, he'd want me teaching him. I feel devastated to be letting people down so much. I went to the doctor, who has put me on antidepressants.
This has floored me. I knew I wasn't right. I knew I was fed up. But to have a diagnosis of depression really, really scared me. The things the doctor said about recovery were scary. Six months minimum, I have to go to the doctor every month to check up on things... I'm scared.
I need to tell my friends... and I need to tell my family. That is scary too.