Inside my heart is aching

So after a few months of not feeling myself, of being fed up, of not knowing why I feel the way I do and of not knowing how to fix it, last week I finally talked to my head and deputy.  T, the deputy, has fast become one of my closest friends (although I shall come back to this), and my head is someone that I've mentioned before in here - I trust him to the end of the Earth and back.  So I talked to them.  I was petrified.  I tried to put it off.  But I did it.  It was only when I started to try and explain that I realised I was even further in than I thought - I had no idea where to start, I couldn't even cry, I just... failed to explain.  I then panicked that they would think I was looking for attention, because it just seemed so ridiculous.
But they were lovely.  They have such confidence in me that I just don't have in any way, shape or form.  They believe in me and they think I can do it.  It's crazy, I can't understand, but to know I have that is wonderful.

So the follow up meeting was this week... T gave me a list of all the things at work I do well.  A said that if his son came to the school, he'd want me teaching him.  I feel devastated to be letting people down so much.  I went to the doctor, who has put me on antidepressants.

This has floored me.  I knew I wasn't right. I knew I was fed up.  But to have a diagnosis of depression really, really scared me.  The things the doctor said about recovery were scary.  Six months minimum, I have to go to the doctor every month to check up on things... I'm scared. 

I need to tell my friends... and I need to tell my family.  That is scary too.

Fed up

I'm such a joke. Literally ridiculous. Struggling to realise what the point of me is just now.

Ahhh

I have never ever ever been so glad for a half-term.... (by which I mean I probably have but I'm glad this time too!) It's been a long term!

Looking forward to seeing some favourite people, relaxing and sleeping!

Trying

So I'm epically failing at talking to someone about why I feel like shit.  I'm drowning, I truly feel like I am.  My arm is riddled with marks because it is calming me down...  But how do I go about expressing this?  It's just utterly ridiculous.

I'm tired.

Work is stressing me out.

I honestly feel I'm no good at my job.

I'm overweight.

I'm unattractive inside and out.

I can't think before I speak.

I have no strengths.

How the hell do you go about explaining this to someone?

Struggling

I'm really struggling at the moment. I'm not sleeping properly.  Work is just insane.  The kids are testing me like nobody's business and I'm feeling a little left out of the loop.  I'm over reliant on one or two people but I can't open up properly to anyone.

I  need help and I just can't ask for it. It's ridiculous and I don't know what I do next.

I've cut myself tonight for the first time in I don't even KNOW how long just because it centred me again.  Ridiculous.

Looking back and looking forward

So as we enter 2014, I thought I'd be a little reflective over the year just past and think about what I'd like to happen in the year to come.

2013
Generally speaking, 2013 was a good one.  I got to know my lovely little niece more and become her godmother as well as her auntie, which was a lovely honour.  I also read a poem at her Christening, which was petrifying but a great thing to do nonetheless.  My family recovered more from the devastating blow of losing my dad in 2012, and although we'll never get over it, I do feel that we really moved forward in our recovery this year.  We became much tighter as a family unit and I think that is only a good thing.
Work went well - I got my head back in the game after a wobbly start to the year and despite spending the school year working with 2 absolute... well, 2 very difficult to work with people, I pulled it out the bag and had a really good year - and was rewarding with taking my class up to year 6, getting to work with 2 incredible people and becoming part of an amazing team.  I have some incredible friends at work and in real life and I am so lucky to have them.
I feel lucky with  my friends in general actually, not just my work friends - I don't consider myself to have a massive circle of friends but I consider the friends I have to be truly wonderful - I could count my true, true friends on 2 hands and I would much rather that, because it means I have stronger, better friendships.
I struggled in 2013 with my weight, I tried Slimming World and it just didn't work for me, but I am refusing to give up.
I had some incredible experiences in 2013 - I went to the British Grand Prix, I went to Lake Como, to New York, I took 13 children to Madrid; I saw Olly Murs, Michael Buble, the Big Reunion, McFly, Swan Lake, the Nutcracker, Matilda, A Chorus Line, I went to Ascot and I celebrated 400 years of my secondary school at an AMAZING concert at the Royal Albert Hall.  I went to 6 weddings and I gave myself two concussions.
I struggled with my feelings for one of my best friends - something I am still kind of getting my head around.

2014
This year is shaping up to be a good one.  I've got exciting plans - my two best friends and I have been planning to go to Thailand for I have no idea how long and this year it finally happens - we're away for the entire Easter holidays and I can't wait.  I'm also planning to go to Italy again with my mum.  My cousin is having a baby and I've joined Match.com to try and set myself up with some dates.  I'm determined to lose weight - I've got Thailand after all, and my health will suffer.  I have 30th's and weddings and babies to look forward to and I can't wait :)

It is ridiculous that some days even the slightest, easiest task seems to ruin me.

Why is it so hard to cope sometimes?