Saturday, 15 March 2014

Inside my heart is aching

So after a few months of not feeling myself, of being fed up, of not knowing why I feel the way I do and of not knowing how to fix it, last week I finally talked to my head and deputy.  T, the deputy, has fast become one of my closest friends (although I shall come back to this), and my head is someone that I've mentioned before in here - I trust him to the end of the Earth and back.  So I talked to them.  I was petrified.  I tried to put it off.  But I did it.  It was only when I started to try and explain that I realised I was even further in than I thought - I had no idea where to start, I couldn't even cry, I just... failed to explain.  I then panicked that they would think I was looking for attention, because it just seemed so ridiculous.
But they were lovely.  They have such confidence in me that I just don't have in any way, shape or form.  They believe in me and they think I can do it.  It's crazy, I can't understand, but to know I have that is wonderful.

So the follow up meeting was this week... T gave me a list of all the things at work I do well.  A said that if his son came to the school, he'd want me teaching him.  I feel devastated to be letting people down so much.  I went to the doctor, who has put me on antidepressants.

This has floored me.  I knew I wasn't right. I knew I was fed up.  But to have a diagnosis of depression really, really scared me.  The things the doctor said about recovery were scary.  Six months minimum, I have to go to the doctor every month to check up on things... I'm scared. 

I need to tell my friends... and I need to tell my family.  That is scary too.

Monday, 3 March 2014

Fed up

I'm such a joke. Literally ridiculous. Struggling to realise what the point of me is just now.

Saturday, 15 February 2014


I have never ever ever been so glad for a half-term.... (by which I mean I probably have but I'm glad this time too!) It's been a long term!

Looking forward to seeing some favourite people, relaxing and sleeping!

Tuesday, 11 February 2014


So I'm epically failing at talking to someone about why I feel like shit.  I'm drowning, I truly feel like I am.  My arm is riddled with marks because it is calming me down...  But how do I go about expressing this?  It's just utterly ridiculous.

I'm tired.

Work is stressing me out.

I honestly feel I'm no good at my job.

I'm overweight.

I'm unattractive inside and out.

I can't think before I speak.

I have no strengths.

How the hell do you go about explaining this to someone?

Thursday, 6 February 2014


I'm really struggling at the moment. I'm not sleeping properly.  Work is just insane.  The kids are testing me like nobody's business and I'm feeling a little left out of the loop.  I'm over reliant on one or two people but I can't open up properly to anyone.

I  need help and I just can't ask for it. It's ridiculous and I don't know what I do next.

I've cut myself tonight for the first time in I don't even KNOW how long just because it centred me again.  Ridiculous.

Thursday, 2 January 2014

Looking back and looking forward

So as we enter 2014, I thought I'd be a little reflective over the year just past and think about what I'd like to happen in the year to come.

Generally speaking, 2013 was a good one.  I got to know my lovely little niece more and become her godmother as well as her auntie, which was a lovely honour.  I also read a poem at her Christening, which was petrifying but a great thing to do nonetheless.  My family recovered more from the devastating blow of losing my dad in 2012, and although we'll never get over it, I do feel that we really moved forward in our recovery this year.  We became much tighter as a family unit and I think that is only a good thing.
Work went well - I got my head back in the game after a wobbly start to the year and despite spending the school year working with 2 absolute... well, 2 very difficult to work with people, I pulled it out the bag and had a really good year - and was rewarding with taking my class up to year 6, getting to work with 2 incredible people and becoming part of an amazing team.  I have some incredible friends at work and in real life and I am so lucky to have them.
I feel lucky with  my friends in general actually, not just my work friends - I don't consider myself to have a massive circle of friends but I consider the friends I have to be truly wonderful - I could count my true, true friends on 2 hands and I would much rather that, because it means I have stronger, better friendships.
I struggled in 2013 with my weight, I tried Slimming World and it just didn't work for me, but I am refusing to give up.
I had some incredible experiences in 2013 - I went to the British Grand Prix, I went to Lake Como, to New York, I took 13 children to Madrid; I saw Olly Murs, Michael Buble, the Big Reunion, McFly, Swan Lake, the Nutcracker, Matilda, A Chorus Line, I went to Ascot and I celebrated 400 years of my secondary school at an AMAZING concert at the Royal Albert Hall.  I went to 6 weddings and I gave myself two concussions.
I struggled with my feelings for one of my best friends - something I am still kind of getting my head around.

This year is shaping up to be a good one.  I've got exciting plans - my two best friends and I have been planning to go to Thailand for I have no idea how long and this year it finally happens - we're away for the entire Easter holidays and I can't wait.  I'm also planning to go to Italy again with my mum.  My cousin is having a baby and I've joined to try and set myself up with some dates.  I'm determined to lose weight - I've got Thailand after all, and my health will suffer.  I have 30th's and weddings and babies to look forward to and I can't wait :)

Sunday, 17 November 2013

It is ridiculous that some days even the slightest, easiest task seems to ruin me.

Why is it so hard to cope sometimes?