Saturday, 15 March 2014

Inside my heart is aching

So after a few months of not feeling myself, of being fed up, of not knowing why I feel the way I do and of not knowing how to fix it, last week I finally talked to my head and deputy.  T, the deputy, has fast become one of my closest friends (although I shall come back to this), and my head is someone that I've mentioned before in here - I trust him to the end of the Earth and back.  So I talked to them.  I was petrified.  I tried to put it off.  But I did it.  It was only when I started to try and explain that I realised I was even further in than I thought - I had no idea where to start, I couldn't even cry, I just... failed to explain.  I then panicked that they would think I was looking for attention, because it just seemed so ridiculous.
But they were lovely.  They have such confidence in me that I just don't have in any way, shape or form.  They believe in me and they think I can do it.  It's crazy, I can't understand, but to know I have that is wonderful.

So the follow up meeting was this week... T gave me a list of all the things at work I do well.  A said that if his son came to the school, he'd want me teaching him.  I feel devastated to be letting people down so much.  I went to the doctor, who has put me on antidepressants.

This has floored me.  I knew I wasn't right. I knew I was fed up.  But to have a diagnosis of depression really, really scared me.  The things the doctor said about recovery were scary.  Six months minimum, I have to go to the doctor every month to check up on things... I'm scared. 

I need to tell my friends... and I need to tell my family.  That is scary too.

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