Ahhh

I have never ever ever been so glad for a half-term.... (by which I mean I probably have but I'm glad this time too!) It's been a long term!

Looking forward to seeing some favourite people, relaxing and sleeping!

Trying

So I'm epically failing at talking to someone about why I feel like shit.  I'm drowning, I truly feel like I am.  My arm is riddled with marks because it is calming me down...  But how do I go about expressing this?  It's just utterly ridiculous.

I'm tired.

Work is stressing me out.

I honestly feel I'm no good at my job.

I'm overweight.

I'm unattractive inside and out.

I can't think before I speak.

I have no strengths.

How the hell do you go about explaining this to someone?

Struggling

I'm really struggling at the moment. I'm not sleeping properly.  Work is just insane.  The kids are testing me like nobody's business and I'm feeling a little left out of the loop.  I'm over reliant on one or two people but I can't open up properly to anyone.

I  need help and I just can't ask for it. It's ridiculous and I don't know what I do next.

I've cut myself tonight for the first time in I don't even KNOW how long just because it centred me again.  Ridiculous.

Looking back and looking forward

So as we enter 2014, I thought I'd be a little reflective over the year just past and think about what I'd like to happen in the year to come.

2013
Generally speaking, 2013 was a good one.  I got to know my lovely little niece more and become her godmother as well as her auntie, which was a lovely honour.  I also read a poem at her Christening, which was petrifying but a great thing to do nonetheless.  My family recovered more from the devastating blow of losing my dad in 2012, and although we'll never get over it, I do feel that we really moved forward in our recovery this year.  We became much tighter as a family unit and I think that is only a good thing.
Work went well - I got my head back in the game after a wobbly start to the year and despite spending the school year working with 2 absolute... well, 2 very difficult to work with people, I pulled it out the bag and had a really good year - and was rewarding with taking my class up to year 6, getting to work with 2 incredible people and becoming part of an amazing team.  I have some incredible friends at work and in real life and I am so lucky to have them.
I feel lucky with  my friends in general actually, not just my work friends - I don't consider myself to have a massive circle of friends but I consider the friends I have to be truly wonderful - I could count my true, true friends on 2 hands and I would much rather that, because it means I have stronger, better friendships.
I struggled in 2013 with my weight, I tried Slimming World and it just didn't work for me, but I am refusing to give up.
I had some incredible experiences in 2013 - I went to the British Grand Prix, I went to Lake Como, to New York, I took 13 children to Madrid; I saw Olly Murs, Michael Buble, the Big Reunion, McFly, Swan Lake, the Nutcracker, Matilda, A Chorus Line, I went to Ascot and I celebrated 400 years of my secondary school at an AMAZING concert at the Royal Albert Hall.  I went to 6 weddings and I gave myself two concussions.
I struggled with my feelings for one of my best friends - something I am still kind of getting my head around.

2014
This year is shaping up to be a good one.  I've got exciting plans - my two best friends and I have been planning to go to Thailand for I have no idea how long and this year it finally happens - we're away for the entire Easter holidays and I can't wait.  I'm also planning to go to Italy again with my mum.  My cousin is having a baby and I've joined Match.com to try and set myself up with some dates.  I'm determined to lose weight - I've got Thailand after all, and my health will suffer.  I have 30th's and weddings and babies to look forward to and I can't wait :)

It is ridiculous that some days even the slightest, easiest task seems to ruin me.

Why is it so hard to cope sometimes?

I've lost my own reflection

Today, daddy, I miss you.  I'm in the process of trying to write you a letter to explain this to you, because something makes me think that in writing it down, in putting it into words, it will help.
But in the mean time, I have found this song again... and the words help.  A lot of it is relevant to how I'm feeling and things I am doing to myself at the moment.

Idina Menzel - Brave

Don't know just where I'm going
And tomorrow, it's a little overwhelming
And the air is cold
And I'm not the same anymore
I've been running in your direction
For to long now
I've lost my own reflection
And I can't look down
If you're not there to catch me when I fall.

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

All along all I ever wanted, was to be the light
When your life was daunting
But I can't see mine
When I feel as though you're pushing me away
Well who's to blame, are we making the right choices
Cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices
As we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

And I might still cry
And I might still bleed
These thorns in my side
This heart on my sleeve
And lightening may strike
This ground at my feet
And I might still crash
But I still believe

This is the moment I stand here all alone
With everything I have inside, everything I own
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last time before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

Bumble bee nails

Because when you feel sad, the only thing to do is turn your nails into insects...!